Return to Insanity
by InferiorBeing
Summary: Sending Marik to the Shadow Realm might not have been the best idea. A few years after Battle City, Ryou and Malik are in collage and Malik receives some news from his sister that will turn Bakura's life upsidedown. Yes, Yami Malik has learned to embrace
1. Darkness Approaches

_Author's Note:_

_**Ryu:** Yes, and now we present a story entirely made my myself, without any interference from Rio!_

_**Rio:** I fear for the world right now. *hides*_

_**Ryu:** And credit where it is due, the idea from this story came from the wonderfully funny and creative stories of Chuquita, so if you see similarities know that we have permission. Hopefully we will not copy to much as the stories are form different shows (hers are for DBZ). But 'twas she who came up with the main idea for the relationship which you will see occurring between Bakura and Marik._

  


**Disclaimer:** If I owned Yu-gi-oh do you think I would be writing fanfiction for it? Let's think here... no.

  


**Pairings:** Mention of yaoi, slash, homosexuality in non-graphic proportions. Ryou/Malik, 'tis the reason that Malik is living with Ryou. Will all make sense in the story I promise, but there really isn't any heavy romance as this is humor not romance...

  


_**Also, note I am calling Ishizu(Isis) and Duke(Otogi Ryuuji) by their Japanese names as I like those better.**_

  


_**Oh, side note: Marik is the Yami, Malik is the Hikari, Ryou is the Hikari, Bakura is the Yami... one of the pointless things that must be said.**_

  


_**Oh... very important note (gee, there are a lot of these huh,) Yami gave Malik/Marik the Mel. Rod back... for reasons that will stay hidden for now...**_

  


_**Ryu:** Enjoy!_

  


**Summery: Yami's sending Marik to the Shadow Realm might not have been the best idea. Now, a few years after Battle City, Ryou and Malik are in collage and living together (along with a certain tomb robber who is bored out of his skull almost 24 hours a day). It is the start of their collage years and Malik receives some news from his sister that might be welcome but most likely is not. Add in a confused Pharaoh, strange passions for random food products, and Tea just trying to pass her psychology exam (without Bakura sending her to the Shadow realm) to the mix, and strange things occur. (I feel sorry for the neighbors...)**

  


  


**Return to Insanity**

_Chapter One: Darkness Approaches_

  


  


Sitting on a quiet street in a quiet neighborhood on the outskirts of Domino, lies a house. It had the same white painted fence as every other house on the street, the same quaint shutters, the same little mailbox on the curb. It had four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room, a kitchen, and a dining room; all which were kept moderately clean. And like most families in the neighborhood, this house was inhabited by three people. But this is where the similarities ended between this house and its surrounding fellow houses. Because this was the Bakura house, home to Ryou Bakura. It also housed his Yami, Bakura, and his lover, Malik Ishtar. 

Ryou was a freshman enrolled at Domino Collage, who often wondered if he would enjoy life if his life was what the majority of the population thought of normal as his life was as far from that "normal" as one could get. When introducing someone to his "family", he could never say, "This is the darker half of my soul, my yami, Bakura. He's a tomb robber who lived in ancient Egypt and now inhabits the Melenium Ring that hangs around my neck. " Or how about, "This is Malik Ishtar, my significant other. He also has a yami with whom he plotted world domination. But don't worry, he's changed over the years and his yami is in Egypt with his sister Isis." Nope, Ryou could never do that, but since his visitors were mostly his friends whom were as used to the idea as he was, it was okay.

Ryou also sometimes wondered if he would enjoy life without all the chaos that came with his housemates. Bakura couldn't cook (if he did the oven tended to explode so he stopped trying) and if Malik cooked the food came out all black. Both Malik and Bakura were slightly (well Bakura was more than slightly) sadistic and could easily pass as crazy to anyone at a psychology ward. Just that morning they had gotten into a fight because Bakura had used up all the purple ketchup. Bakura said he couldn't find the red so he had used the purple, and there was nothing wrong with that, while Malik had argued that the purple ketchup was _his _ ketchup so if Bakura couldn't find the red Ketchup which was Bakura's supply then Bakura should not have eaten any ketchup at all. They had turned over two couches and nearly broken a bookshelf in the "calm debate between equals" before Yugi had shown up with a bottle of purple Ketchup. (Ryou had called his friend pleading him to go and get some ketchup for Malik while he tried to keep the house in one piece and the mini-pharaoh had come through yet again.)

But as Ryou tried to concentrate on the fifty page paper on the development of the western civilizations while Malik and Bakura argued over whether they should watch Jerry Springer (Bakura's choice) or Yu-Yu-Hakusho (Malik's choice), he figured that if his life was "normal" his life would be downright boring.

"Malik don't you have that paper for Economy due in... three days?" Ryou asked tiredly.

"Aww, come on Ryou. I can write the last page tomorrow." Malik complained as Bakura triumphantly switched the channel back to his beloved Jerry Springer. 

"You've been on the last page for over a week." Ryou pointed out. "Just finish it now while Bakura's watching his half hour of Jerry Springer-"

"Twenty-five minutes now." Bakura cut in sourly.

"Twenty-five minutes of Jerry Springer, and then you can watch your Yu-Yu- Hakusho marathon. It's not like you haven't seen those episodes before."

"But I haven't memorized all the words in the Seven Ways to Die episode yet!" Malik realized that both Bakuras were looking at him with strange looks and shrugged in defeat. "Fine, but I can't think of anything left to say about the economics of the Soviet Union."

"Just use the Rod and make the teacher thing she read it." Bakura suggested, his eyes riveted to the TV screen. "Aww, come on, don't forgive her! She cheated on you with your bother! You don't even know if that kid's yours!"

Ryou sighed as Malik muttered about pushy other halves that just _needed_ the Rod even though they were most defiantly _not ever_ going to try to take over the world again. "I'll help you with the conclusion Malik. Come on let's leave Bakura to his beloved Jerry."

As if on cue Bakura started chanting along with the rest of the crowd in the audience, "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" He didn't even notice the disappearance of the other two, nor would he have cared if he did. He did not hear the door bell ring a few minutes later, nor did he hear Ryou answer it. He somewhat heard his hikari say to whoever was the visitor, "He's watching Jerry Springer," but at that moment the commercials ended so all other senses lost their purpose to him. No, the thing that mattered to Bakura was when the TV was suddenly shut off.

"NOOOOO! JERRRRRY!" 

Bakura looked around wildly for the remote before someone said, "Are you looking for this?"

Bakura wheeled around, hardly noticing who the remote was being held by, and grabbed the offending object that always managed to be lost at the one moment when you needed it most. With a delighted shriek of glee the TV sprang back to life and his beloved Jerry Springer show existed once again. "JERRY!"

The other person in the room groaned and moved to shut off the TV.

"HEY, get out of the way! I CAN'T SEE JERRY!"

"Bakura I need to talk to you right now."

"Can't it wait till the show is over?" Bakura tried to see around the offending person.

"Tomb robber, are you even really comprehending a thing I'm saying?"

"Yami you are blocking the TV." a pause, "PHARAOH GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

"Tomb robber, it is just a show. I need to talk to you now."

Bakura snarled as got off the couch and pushed the offending person out of the way... to see the ending credits begin to roll.

"RA CURSE YOU PHARAOH!" Yami wasn't phased by this threat as he often heard it out of Bakura's mouth.

"Are you going to listen now Tomb Robber?"

Bakura rolled his eyes and moved off toward the kitchen. "Why are you even in my house, Pharaoh? Don't you have subjects to rule or something?"

"No. I came to talk to you."

"Not interested." Bakura opened the refrigerator and frowned before closing it once again and moving to the other side of the kitchen.

"Bakura. I just want to talk."

"Fine then. If it will get you to LEAVE, talk." Bakura opened a cupboard and Yami could see a safe was stored in it with an immense number of locks holding it shut.

"Bakura, I'm tired of this rivalry between us, and Yugi and Ryou agree with me. It's rather pointless now after all." There was no comment from the Tomb Robber who was still fiddling with the locks. "I want to call a truce."

The Tomb Robber smirked. "Thinking, thinking, NO!" He opened the last lock and opened the safe to reveal about twenty bottles of red Ketchup.

"Bakura, what reason do we have to fight now?"

"Hmmmm, the puzzle is still hanging around your neck?"

"Actually, it's hanging around Yugi's neck."

"There you go."

"Bakura-"

"Shut up! I don't care what Yugi threatened you with to stop this rivalry, just leave me to my ketchup!"

Yami raised an eyebrow as Bakura sat down at the kitchen table with two bottles of red Ketchup. "How did you know it was Yugi's idea?"

"Heard him and Ryou talking on the phone."

"Please Bakura-"

"No."

Yami sighed before sitting down at the table across from Bakura. He watched Bakura who was contentedly _inhaling_ the ketchup for a few minutes before the Tomb Robber began to become annoyed.

"Why are you still here Pharaoh. I told you the answer is no."

"Yugi won't let me back inside the house until Ryou calls him and tells him that we have 'mended the bridges between us'. So I am stuck here until we do so."

"Tristen's apartment."

"Studying for exam, pulse Yugi already told him and he won't let me in."

"Otogi's house."

"Yugi told him."

"Tea."

"Yugi told her, thought it was a brilliant idea.

"Joey."

"Lives with Yugi... how could you not remember that?"

Bakura shrugged, thinking hard. "Mokuba-"

"In America."

"Kaiba?"

Yami looked pointedly at the Tomb Robber. 

"What? If there's anyone you should be 'mending bridges' with it's him!"

The Pharaoh sighed. "Yugi told him. Last I heard he thought it was a grand idea and wanted Malik to tape it so he could watch it later and laugh at me."  
Bakura finished one bottle of Ketchup and glared at the offending person sitting across from him. "Look. If I become... allies... with you, I will have no one to annoy. Therefore you can call Yugi and tell him that I am kicking you out."

"Bakura, you can always annoy Malik, you live with him for Ra's sake. To annoy me you have to walk half way across the city to the Domino Collage dorms!"

Bakura snorted and muttered about idiots who actually wanted to go to Collage just to be nearer to their hikari before explaining pointedly. "Malik is way to easy to annoy. I could annoy him in my sleep if I had to."

"Actually you do." Malik added, walking into the room and grabbing a bottle of purple ketchup from its rightful place in the refrigerator door. "You snore and the wall between our two rooms doesn't help much."

Bakura snorted. "There you go." a pause, "Oh, shut up Malik. Go write your stupid paper already!"

The Egyptian flashed the annoyed spirit a smile and left the room, ketchup in hand.

Yami sighed. "Get used to my presence then Bakura, because I can't stay anywhere but here until you change your mind."

Bakura raised an eyebrow. "Do _you_ really want to be... **friends** (he said the word as if it was distasteful) with me?"

"No. But I don't want to be sleeping outside for the rest of my life more. Remember I called for a cease-fire, not a friendship."

Bakura snorted again, turning his attention back to his ketchup snack. Yami didn't move from his seat and silence reigned in the room only to be broken by a familiar set of electronic tones.

Bakura looked over at the innocent looking cell phone on the counter which was now chirping the Eighteen-Twelve Overture to the room. "RYOU YOUR PHONE IS CHIRPING AGAIN!"

"WELL COULD YOU ANSWER IT BAKURA?" came the reply, an innocent enough request, Yami thought.

"NOPE." Bakura yelled back contentedly sitting in his chair. "IT'S YOUR CELL PHONE, NOT MINE!"

Yami groaned, "Oh for the love of Ra." He got up and moved to the counter. "Hello?" He turned as Ryou came barreling into the room out of breath.

"It's for you." he said simply, handing the boy the phone.

Bakura snorted. "No really Pharaoh, who did you think it was for?"

Ryou rolled his eyes before turning his attention to the cell phone. "Oh, hi Isis. No, Malik is not in the room right now-"

The white haired hikari left the room heading back upstairs with the phone. A few moments later the two yamis heard a shriek.

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

Malik came ragging down the stairs and Bakura moved to the doorway to watch the scene as Malik now had the cell phone.

"NO! I absolutely REFUSE to have **him** here... WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'he's my responsibility?... WHAT?"

"So what's got him all upset?" Bakura asked Ryou who had followed the other boy down in a much calmer fation.

"Isis is sending Malik's yami to live with us. Apparently he is due to arrive in ten minutes or so."

Bakura let out a bark of laughter as Malik screamed Arabic curses into the phone and shut it off.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you Bakura. Not even you would want **him** here."

"What's so bad about Marik being here?" Yami asked. "It's not as if he can do anything."

"That's not the point. The point is that when you sent him into the Shadow Realm after Battle City, he changed."

"People like that don't change, Malik." Ryou said soothingly shooting Bakura a pointed look.

The yami smirked. "Yeah. And besides I'll finally have someone who understands that the world is a horrible place around."

"No you wont." Malik shot back. "Marik learned that instead of destroying the world it was better to _embrace_ it."

The bottle of Ketchup fell from Bakura's hand and as if on cue, the doorbell rang.

When it became apparent that no one was going to answer the door, Ryou sighed and looked pointedly at Bakura.

"What?" the yami asked picking up his ketchup from the floor.

Ryou motioned to the door in a "go get it" fation and the yami groaned, muttering, "We need more ketchup." as he went to the door. 

Opening the door Bakura yelled and jumped back. The person outside walked in, rolling a rather large suitcase behind him. Turning to look at everyone in the room he took off his sunglasses and everyone could see the purple eyes which sparkled with insanity.

"Yo."

Malik got a good look at his yami and Ryou had just enough time to catch him as he feinted.

Yami also looked a bit stunned. Yes this was Marik... but it also was not Marik... unless Marik had found a way to go live in the seventies.

The gravity-defying hair had remained the same, but the yami supported the look of a hippie, from the blue jeans to the tie-dye shirt, to the tacky chain with the peace symbol hanging from it. Marik also got a good look at everyone in the house, his eyes coming to rest on the Pharaoh.

"Who let the porcupine in?" he asked casually setting down the suitcase.

"The 'porcupine' was just leaving... hippie."

Marik smiled insanely. "Peace out dude."

This comment just made the Pharaoh walk faster and in a few moments the only ones left in the house were the Bakuras and the Ishtars.

"If you'll excuse us a moment, Marik. I'm going to put Malik upstairs. Bakura can show you to the spare bedroom." Ryou sent Bakura a look which said "or you had better" which had no effect on the yami whatsoever. Bakura leaned against the wall, contentedly sucking all the ketchup out of the bottle as Ryou disappeared up the stairs with Malik's unconscious form. The minute they were out of sight Marik's grin became sadistic and he began pulling at the shirt, effectively ripping it off his body to reveal the type of shirt Bakura was used to seeing him wear, purple and revealing.

"Ra, that was _so_ annoying."

"Problems in paradise Marik? Or did you finally move into the eighties."

Marik let out a snort of laughter. "That" he said pointing to the now ruined shirt and other hippie accessories, "was Isis's latest 'help Marik embrace life' plan. Needless to say it didn't work."

Bakura snorted. "I wonder why." he muttered sarcastically.

"I know. It's such a stupid idea. I already have embraced life, why change my views again?"

Bakura choked on the ketchup he was eating, managing to swallow eventually. "What?"

"Do you have hearing problems 'Kura? You should get your ears checked."

"Marik." Bakura said carefully. "How exactly have you... embraced life?"

"Well I haven't been able to do so yet because Isis didn't believe me when I told her I had a revelation. But there are so many things I can do now that she's gone 'Kura. Sky-diving, Bungie jumping, I could learn to Tango, I-"

Marik stopped as he heard a thump behind him. When he saw Bakura's prone form he shrieked. "Bakura! Speak to me ! Wake up!" he had run over to Bakura and was shaking the yami's form. "DON'T DIE ON ME BAKURA!"

Malik and Ryou came down the stairs to see this picture in the living room and Malik groaned, matching Bakura's groan as he came out of the state of unconsciousness.

"Where's Yami?" he asked gruffly.

Marik drew back as if insulted.

"Ryou, WHERE IS THAT RA-DAMMED PHARAOH? I'LL KILL HIM! IT'S HIS FAULT MARIK'S LIKE THIS!"

"Bakura! I knew you cared!"

Bakura stopped in his tirade as he felt something attach to his arm. Looking down he saw Marik's purple eyes starring into his own, with something added to the insanity inside them.

"I _knew_ you cared, 'Kura! Even when you and Hikari-pretty tried to destroy me, I _knew_ that deep down inside you cared. 'Kura is mellen to darkness!"

Bakura looked at Ryou with an incredulous look on his face. He mouthed, "What is going on?" and his Hikari looked back at the two of them disbelieveingly.

Malik groaned. "I will never forgive Yami for this."


	2. Imperial Command

**Return to Insanity**

_Chapter Two: Imperial Command_

  


  


"There are so many things wrong with this situation." Bakura thought but out loud he asked. "Marik... what exactly did you just say?"

"Mellon means 'friend' in Elvish." Ryou said and Bakura stared at his hikari as if the boy had grown a third head.

"...What?" he managed to get out.

"Haven't read Lord of the Rings have you Bakura?" Malik asked skeptically. The Tomb Robber looked at Malik pointedly.

"Do I look like I have read it?"

"No."

"There's your answer."

"Oh, but you should read it 'Kura! It is soooo good!"

Bakura looked down at the thing which looked like Marik but couldn't possibly be Marik because Marik did not act like this. 

"When I was trapped in the Shadow Realm I got soooo bored so I started watching everything through Hikari-pretty's eyes. He read these books and they were what allowed me to keep whatever sanity I had left." Marik said matter-of-factly and Bakura looked as if he seriously doubted that the books had kept Marik's sanity but didn't mention it.

"Did Yami say he was going home?" Bakura asked, his face caught between grim determination and sadistic malice.

Malik shrugged. "I don't know. Probably."

Bakura grinned and untangled his arm from Marik's grasp. "Good. Then I am going to go and-"

"Bakura." Ryou's voice was threatening.

The Yami glared at his hikari but said nothing heading towards the door.

"Mellen 'Kura, can I come and help you sadistically torture the Pharaoh?" Marik asked hopefully.

"No."

"But-"

"Thinking, no."

Marik pouted as Bakura walked out the door.

"You have to unpack always Marik." Ryou pointed out helpfully.

"You mean I can stay?" Marik asked, turning to look at the lighter Bakura.

"You mean he can stay?" Malik was looking at the other hikari in shock.

"I think it would be good for Bakura to have a friend around here." was all Ryou said in answer.

"Yea right." Malik muttered. "It'll kill Bakura to have a friend around here."

  


  


  


Yugi normally was not one to leave everything until last minute, but well, one paper he had let go and it took staying up all night two days in a row to finish it. But he had persevered and handed it in on time, so now all he wanted to do was sleep. This shouldn't have been a problem with Joey out somewhere and Yami watching TV (procrastinating again). But it was not to be.

"PHARAOH I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

Yugi started out of sleep to see Yami actually back into his bedroom looking scared. Wait... Yami scared... of Bakura?

The Tomb Robber did not wait for a sign of welcome but walked right through the wall (one of his talents that had made robbing pyramids ever so much easier). He spotted Yugi who was blinking groggily at the newcomer. "Where's your other?" he asked, his voice deadly soft.

"In his bedroom." Yugi said sleepily, not really paying attention to the sounds coming from his link with his yami.

The Tomb Robber grinned sadistically and then entered Yami's bedroom in the same manner that he had entered the dorm to begin with. There were a few seconds of quiet before:

"AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!"

"HOW IS IT MY FAULT?"

"YOU SENT HIM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"SO WOULD HAVE ANYONE ELSE AT THE TIME! AND I DID ALLOW HIM TO COME BACK!"

Yugi groaned. His yami had said that the two of them were not ever going to become... allies any time soon but this was really getting annoying to the two hikaris.

"YOU ONLY ALLOWED MARIK BACK BECAUSE MALIK COULDN'T EXIST WITHOUT THE OTHER HALF OF HIS SOUL. FACE IT PHARAOH IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

Yugi mentally pleaded with Yami to just give in to Bakura so the Tomb Robber would leave and he could then get some sleep. Yami grumbled but agreed.

"All right Tomb Robber. Let's say hypothetically say it's my fault. What do I do about it now? You saw him. He's content enough to make jokes about my hair is he not?"

"Yes, but everyone could make a remark about your hair. And plus what happened when you were there isn't the point. HE WANTS TO LEARN TO TANGO FOR RA'S SAKE!"

Yami was silent for many long moments. "Putting aside that... disturbing fact, what do you expect me to do about it? I can't change his mindset you know. 

"I don't know what I want you to do about it!" Bakura snapped, walking out of the bedroom to leave. "BUT I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!"

Yugi sighed in relief as Bakura left. Finally some sleep.

"_Yugi... I think we may have a problem._" Yami spoke to him through the link.

"_Can't it wait until after I get some sleep, Yami?_"

__"_I don't know. Can you kill anyone by tango-ing?"_

_"I suppose so, but you would really have to try."_

"_Then it can't wait._"

  


  


  


Bakura had come home that night very late, so late that the only one still around was Malik (who was avidly engaged in watching the Yu-Yu-Hakusho marathon) and had barricaded himself in his room with a bottle of ketchup, not to reappear in the house until the next morning. And it was very late the next morning when he appeared in the kitchen and grabbed a nutrition bar from its box in the cupboard. Because of everyone in the house's amazing cooking skills, (Ryou wasn't the best cook but at least he was better than his yami) the three of them were used to starting the day on something that didn't have to be cooked and then buying a hot meal later. But as Bakura passed the sink he saw something strange. Dirty dishes. Dishes? There shouldn't be any dishes because to have dishes one needs a cooking ability. But low and behold there were four dishes sitting in the sink. But Bakura shrugged it off. Maybe Ryou had felt in a cooking mood this morning before he headed off for class.

The Tomb Robber moved to the dining room next and sat down in one of the chairs munching on the bar nonchalantly.

"Morning, Bakura." Malik said between mouthfuls of scrambled egg.

Bakura looked at Malik strangely. Sure he was used to Malik sitting in the dinning room typing furiously in order to get his late assignment done. But he was not used to Malik typing furiously with one hand while shoveling a cooked breakfast down his throat with another.

The Tomb Robber watched Marik silently for a moment. "Did Ryou feel like cooking this morning?"

"No he left for class early, said he'd get something after class. I think there's breakfast on the stove for you though."

Bakura was puzzled as he walked into the kitchen. Sure enough there were three plates laid out on the stove to warm. They only puzzled Bakura more as Ryou was always trying to get him to cook his meat before he ate it, but there it was, uncooked bacon lying next to scrambled eggs. And a nicely raw steak sitting by itself on another, and a batch of pancakes on the third, covered in red ketchup instead of syrup. All was exactly the way Bakura would have liked to make his breakfast, if he could get over his issues with the stove. He set the plates on the kitchen table and got out a fork but for some reason stood there starring at the food. Malik couldn't have made it because the food would have been blackened to a harder-than-brick state. Ryou would have cooked his meat. And he most definitely did not do any cooking that morning. Then it hit him... literally.

"Good-MORNING 'KURA!"

"Good. Morning. Marik." Bakura wheezed out as he disentangled Marik's arms from his person.

"Oh, did I interrupt you from breakfast?" Marik looked down at the table where Bakura had placed the plates. "I will stop."

Bakura sighed and sat down. "What poisons did you put in it Marik?"

Marik giggled, sitting down across from Bakura. "I did not poison the food Bakura. I cooked it! Well... in your case I didn't have to cook much."

Bakura rolled his eyes as he began eating. Surprisingly the food was really good... more than eatable good. Really good.

"Where did you learn to cook Marik?" Bakura asked, mentally adding, "Especially since Malik can't cook at all."

"Isis taught me." Marik said. "She said that if I wasn't going to work I could at least do all the cooking and cleaning."

Bakura was starring at Marik strangely but the Egyptian didn't seem to notice, to caught up in his narrative.

"I told her I could provide money, but she said that thievery was out of the question, but I said it wasn't steeling if the people _gave_ the money to you, and she said-"

"I get the picture Marik." Bakura muttered, thankful when the phone rang which gave Marik something else to do.

"Hel-lo! Bakura-Ishtar Residence!"

"Um, Malik... Have you been mixing sugar and ketchup again?"

Marik's eye twitched as he heard Tea's voice. "Malik is not on the phone at the moment." he chirped. "Would you like me to get him for you?"

"... ... Is this Ryou?"

"Nope."

"... ... Bakura?"

"Wrong again!"

Bakura could barely hold in his laughter as Marik waited for Tea's next guess.

"Um... then who is this?"

"I'm sorry we already subscribe to this magazine. Good-bye!" Marik hung up the phone and Bakura let out a bark of laughter.

The phone rang again, a few seconds later and this time it was Malik who answered.

"Hello? Oh, Tea... no that was my yami. Yes... don't remind me... oh right. Sorry I forgot."

Bakura seemed to know what was going on in the phone conversation because he suddenly became very vocal. "NO! I will NOT allow that woman to ANALYZE me!"

Marik was very confused by now so he asked what was going on. However, Bakura was busy ranting about how he would not let Tea near him with a clipboard, and Malik was busy ignoring said Tomb Robber while assuring Tea that it was okay to perform said analyzation on Bakura, so neither of them explained the situation to Marik. Therefore, the Egyptian was still quite lost when the doorbell rang. 

"I'll just go get that..." he muttered, backing out of the room. He made a bee-line to the door and opened it to see a brunette standing on the doorstep, dressed mostly in pink and holding a pink cell-phone.

"Sorry, Girl Scout cookies aren't on my diet." Marik said going to close the door.

"Marik who is it?" Malik asked from the kitchen where one could still hear the mutterings of one tomb robber.

"I don't know." Marik shut the door going back towards the kitchen. "Some Girl Scout I think... looked like a Girl Scout."

Malik sighed as the person on the phone had started making comments in his ear about his yami. "Marik. Go open the door and let her in."

"NO! LOCK THE DOOR MARIK!" Bakura yelled.

"Okay!" Marik grinned, locking the door.

The tomb robber smirked triumphantly at the disheveled hikari. Malik sighed, hanging up the phone and forcefully opening the door to admit the girl into the house.

"Sorry about that Tea."

"Oh, that's okay Malik. You can't expect Marik to remember me... I doubt my name was even really mentioned in his presence." Tea said cheerfully, digging through her pink backpack and taking out a clipboard. "Now, where's that elusive tomb robber."

"Probably hiding in the the bomb shelter out back." Malik said sarcastically.

"We have a bomb shelter?!?" Bakura demanded. "WHY was I not informed?"

Marik thought for a moment. "Bakura-mellon... I think my hikari was joking."

"Oh." Bakura pouted then realized that Tea was in the room. "See ya later." he muttered, heading for the stairs.

"NO BAKURA GET BACK HERE!" Malik yelled, grabbing onto the tomb robber's arm. "We all took the personality quiz/questionnaire thing and now it's your turn."

"NO! I have SEEN those questions Malik! I don't want to be ANALYZED!" Bakura shrieked.

"I don't understand." Marik pouted. "What's wrong with Bakura-mellon?"

"Well Marik." Tea said cheerfully. "In order to pass my psychology class I have to have a certain number of people answer the questions on this sheet so I can have data to analyze in class. And it turns out that I have the exact number of friends that I need to fill out the sheet! But Bakura does not want to be analyzed..."

"Damn right!" Bakura muttered, attempting to break free of Malik's grasp.

"Was I included in this?" Marik asked, looking at the sheet of paper. It seemed harmless enough.

"Well, no. You weren't' around when this was assigned." Tea said.

"Oh, then I could take this... thing instead of Bakura!" Marik smiled at Bakura who looked stunned.

"That's a great idea Marik!" Tea said, pushing the clipboard and a pencil at the blond.

"Okay... but before I fill this out I have a few questions. One, what is psychology and two... how do you know my name when I have no recollection of you?"

  


A few minutes later Marik sat filling out the questionnaire. It was actually quite easy and Marik was enjoying it.

"Hmmm... burn things up... watch things die... destroy stuff... DONE!" Marik chirped.

His hikari looked over the questionnaire and sweatdropped. "Well Tea, this will certainly give your teacher something to think about..."

"That's good then, it means less homework for me." Tea smiled. "Thanks again Marik!" And the brunette left the house.

"Hikari... I'm still confused about who exactly was that person... was she some mind slave that you turned without me knowing?"

"Yea... something like that." Marik said, not wanting to go into detail about the conditions of Tea's enslavement.

  


  


"BAKURA!" Ryou's voice broke out through the house, his fury evident.

"WHAT?" Bakura shot back with just as much force after taking a gulp of ketchup.

"YOU ARE SO PATHETIC! YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A SIMPLE PSYCHOLOGY QUESTIONNAIRE TO HELP ONE OF OUR FRIENDS-"

"Your friend not mine, hikari." Bakura pointed out.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you Bakura." Ryou sighed. 

"How about you leave me alone. You already took away my knives and other sharp and pointy objects, what more can you do to ruin my life?"

"Bakura, you threatened to kill our neighbor because their cat _looked at you wrong_! I had to take away your knives or we would have had the police breathing down our necks."

"Heh, I could have killed them too."

"BAKURA!" Ryou groaned. "Fine then... I'll just have to take away your Jerry Springer privileges then."

"WHAT?!?!"

"It's either that or your ketchup, but if I removed your ketchup I could be accused of starving you." Ryou remarked, heading up the stairs towards his and Malik's room. "And if I catch you even thinking about watching Jerry Springer I'll kick you out of the house so the only place you could go would be to Yami and Yugi."

"WHAT?!?"

Marik headed downstairs to the kitchen to hear the entire conversation and to see a shell shocked Bakura sitting at the kitchen table.

"Oh, poor Bakura. You did not tell me that Ryou took away your entire collection of sharp and pointy things! I would have shared mine with you!" Marik sobbed into Bakura's shoulder.

"You have a collection of sharp and pointy things?" Bakura asked, momentarily forgetting the loss of his beloved Jerry.

"Yes! Isis bought them for me so that I would have no reason not to cook for her. Butcher knives, scalpels, butter spreaders, machete knives- you name it, I've got it."

A devious smile crossed Bakura's face. "I'll have to remember that later." He filled the information away for future reference. Then he had a brilliant idea.

"Hey Marik?"

"Yes Bakura-mellon-who-is-so-deprived-of-living-necessities-right-now?"

"Do you know what channel Jerry Springer is on?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm... then do you think you could go into the living room and turn the TV on to that channel and watch it?"

"But how will that help you Bakura-mellon?" Marik cocked his head in confusion.

"Don't worry, Marik, it will. You'll see."

"OKAY!"

In a few seconds Bakura could hear the tell-tale signs of Jerry Springer. Grinning like a maniac, Bakura sauntered into the living room. "Oh look." he said in a dramatic voice. "Marik just _happens_ to be watching Jerry Springer, OH WELL, I guess if I'm going to sit in the living room I have no choice but to watch it!" Bakura sat down contentedly on the living room couch on the opposite side as Marik.

  


  


Ten minutes later:

"Bakura I don't get why you like this so much." Marik's head had somehow found it's way onto Bakura's lap but he was to enthralled in the show to notice. "I mean, just look at him! It's obvious that he's a transsexual!"

"I know, that's the brilliance of it! Those idiots didn't realize it and know their mad! Hah! Serves them right."

"... ... Bakura... do you have any raisins?"

"I think we might in the refrigerator." Bakura muttered, still watching the show avidly.

Marik moved off into the kitchen in search of his snack.

"Bakura..." Ryou's voice sounded in warning tones as the hikari saw Bakura watching Jerry Springer.

"It wasn't my fault Ryou, Marik turned on the TV and was watching it. I actually came in here to do crossword puzzles." Bakura brandished a newspaper at Ryou that had been lying on the coffee table.

"Bakura, that's the sport's section."

"Exactly. I was looking up an answer."

The hikari sighed as Marik walked out into the room with a very large bag of raisins.

"You didn't have any. Lucky I brought my own."

"You brought raisins all the way from Egypt?" Bakura was momentarily distracted from the TV during a commercial at Ryou's comment.

"Yup. _Love_ Raisins. Their so chewy!" Marik chirped sitting back on the couch and again laying his head back into the tomb robber's lap as said tomb robber was currently enthralled with his television show. "I could eat only raisins for the rest of my life and be perfectly content. Raisins for breakfast, raisins for lunch, and raisins for dinner-"

"Am I the only one in this house without a strange fascination for a certain food?!?" Ryou asked, looking up to the ceiling as if looking to heaven.

"Probably." Bakura muttered "You're abnormal enough not to have one", finally realizing where Marik's head was he pushed the blond off his lap.

"Hey!" said blond pouted. Bakura glared at him and went back to watching his show.

Marik pouted, curling up at his end of the sofa and eating his raisins.

Ryou raised an eyebrow at their actions and mentally wished Marik the best of luck. Bakura was not easy to get through to.

  


  


_Author's Note:_

_**Rio: **Whew, well there it is... such a long chapter that turned out to be!_

_**Rio: ***aplaudes* I knew you could do it Rio!_

_**Rio:** ^.^ Please review... you know you want to._


	3. The Bell of Destruction

**Return to Insanity**

_Chapter Three: The Bell of Destruction_

_otherwise known as "the TrapDoor-Button-Thingie"_

It was Bakura's custom to wake up late on Saturdays and to be able to have a nice quiet morning in which he could plot possible ways to sabotage a Jerry Springier show... or take over the world if the Pharaoh suddenly decided to stop existing. It was NOT Bakura's custom to wake up to a shouting match and this was what he had woken up to at exactly 8:17 on this particular Saturday morning.

"We could always have him clean for us." Malik smirked, striking a nerve intentionally.

"NOOOOO! HIKARI-PRETTY NOOOOO!"

Bakura walked into the kitchen to watch Marik fall to the floor in front of his hikari. Raising an eyebrow at the scene and blocking out Marik's screaming/pleading, Bakura caught sight of Ryou watching the scene bemusedly.

"_Hikari. What in Ra's name is going on?" _Bakura asked annoyedly through their mind link.

_"Malik wants to find something productive for his yami to do, so we don't have another person sitting around all day and doing nothing-"_

_"Hey! **I **sit around all day and do nothing!" _Bakura pointed out. He could feel Ryou roll his eyes in response.

_"Exactly, Bakura. That's what Malik is trying to prevent. But before you came in they ruled out getting an education-"_

__Bakura scoffed at the thought of Marik going to any type of school.

_"Getting a job that didn't involve blowing something up-"_

__Bakura vaguely wondered if Marik would have been okay with getting a job if it did involve blowing something up, but didn't comment.

_"And they were just moving on to Marik cleaning the house and cooking meals."_ Ryou thought.

Bakura sighed and, going against his better Tomb Robber judgment, stepped into the fray.

"PLEASE HIKARI-PRETTY!"

"Marik I know what doing nothing does to you and I don't want you going back down the road to World Domination again."

"I PROMISE I WON'T!"

"Been there, done that, you know."

At this point Bakura hauled Marik up off the floor and turned to look at the Hikari who, one had to admit, did have a point about Marik, boredom, and World Domination (or whatever other plan might come up in Marik's mind, Bakura wasn't sure what this Marik would come up with given the time). "Marik will not be cleaning the house for you Malik. That is and will remain yours and Ryou's job, since you are the only two who care."

Marik let out a happy "meep"ing sound and clung to Bakura's arm as if it was his only lifeline. Bakura ignored it, despite the pins and needles feeling he was beginning to get in his arm, but Malik needed a few seconds to process the picture of his yami hanging onto anyone, let alone Bakura.

"Fine Bakura, he's your responsibility now."

"And we'd better not get any reports of you two breaking the law." Ryou muttered. Bakura sighed and nodded. Marik's jaw dropped but he allowed Bakura to lead him out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"I can't believe what I just heard! Bakura-mellon, did you really just tell hikari-snow that you would not do anything against the law?"

"Nope. You see what I said was they wouldn't get any reports of us breaking the law. In order for them to get reports we must get caught." Bakura smirked. "And I never get caught."

Marik giggled, and Bakura finally noticed that he had lost all feeling in that arm.

"I can't believe you just did that Malik." Ryou muttered. "He'll have corrupted your yami by the end of the week."

"Marik's already corrupted." Malik pointed out. "A little more corruption won't kill him. Besides, by the end of the week Bakura will be filing for a restraining order.

"And why is that?" Ryou asked.

"Simple. My yami's got a crush on your's."

"Yes, that is apparent to all but Bakura apparently."

Malik looked pointedly at Ryou and the snow-haired hikari caught on to what his lover was implying. Suddenly Ryou let out a bark of laughter. "I wonder what Yami's going to do when he finds this out."

Malik grinned evilly. "Maybe I should mention something to Yugi..." he trailed off and winced. Ryou raised an eyebrow and Malik shrugged. "I guess my yami hasn't forgot how to issue death threats." 

The snow-haired hikari dissolved in giggles and Bakura vaguely wondered what was so funny to his hikari but decided at last that he really didn't care.

"Bakura, we're going out now." Ryou said as he watched his yami watch the television, which was, yet again, turned to Jerry Springer.

"Whatever."

"We're meeting Yugi and everyone else on campus and probably won't be back until late."

"Whatever."

"So you'll have to find dinner for yourself."

"Whatever."

"And Yami will be spending the afternoon here as well."

"What- wait WHAT?"

"Good-by Bakura."

"Get back here Hikari! What did you say?"

Bakura heard his answer as his most favorite person in the world, full sarcasm intended, was pushed into the living room and the front door was closed and locked.

Marik, whistling quietly to himself, walked down the stairs from his bedroom about five minutes later to hear the tail end of a fight which was going on between Bakura and Yami and to hear Yami threaten to send Bakura to the Shadow Realm... yet again.

"Go ahead, it doesn't matter anyway." Marik spoke suddenly and the two arguers turned to look at Marik. "Bakura can always get out."

"Let's find out." Yami glared at the tomb robber before sending Bakura to the Shadow Realm.

Still whistling, Marik walked into the kitchen to watch the clock on the wall. One minute, two minutes, three minutes..... four minutes..... five-

And Bakura fell out of nowhere on top of Marik.

"Five minutes exactly Bakura." Marik commented. "You're loosing your touch."

"Yami's aim was off, I ended up a mile or so away."

"Oh."

"What in Ra's name is going on???" Yami asked incredulously as Marik turned, still holding Bakura bridal style.

"You mean you really don't know how to get out of the Shadow Realm?" Marik asked the amazed Pharaoh.

"There is no way to get out of the Shadow Realm unless someone unseals you."

"Wrong!" Both Bakura and Marik admonished, Bakura detangling himself from Marik's hold.

"You really don't know about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie???" Marik asked.

"The... what?"

"Trap-Door-Button-Thingie! The exit to the Shadow Realm." Marik explained almost patiently as Bakura started laughing at the look on the Pharaoh's face. "EVERYONE knows about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie!"

"Really?" Yami smirked. 

"Uh-huh." Marik nodded sagely. "There is no one who knows about the Millennium Items that does not know about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie."

"_Yugi, do you know about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie_?" Yami asked his Hikari through their mind link.

_"Yea, Ryou told me. I assumed you knew." _came the reply.

"And how did Ryou know?" Yami asked out loud.

"Because I told him, idiot." Bakura pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Marik nodded.

"And he told Yugi and Malik and Malik told me."

"But that's still not everyone." Yami pointed out.

"Then when Bakura came back from the Shadow Realm the second or third time you sent him there, he was very pleased to have remembered it, so pleased that he went out and used that as an explanation to get drunk." Marik explained.

"And Tea happened to be working there at the time-"

"And Bakura told Tea, and Tea told Joey, and Joey told Tristan, and Tristan told Serenity, and Serenity told Otogi, and there you go." Marik finished.

"You missed someone." Yami pointed out again.

"We did?" Marik blinked.

Seto Kaiba was in the middle of his Very Important WorkTM when his cell phone rang. Growling slightly at being interrupted, Kaiba reached for the phone, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"Kaiba."

"Kaiba, do you know about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie?" Kaiba blinked twice as he processed what Yami's voice had just unceremoniously asked him.

In the background Kaiba could hear Bakura yelling, "He's the reincarnation of your High Priest! Of _course_ he knows about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie, he invented it!"

"Yes I have knowledge of the object in question." Kaiba spoke, his mind trying to wander back to his Very Important Worktm. "Bakura needed to crash somewhere after he got drunk and Mokuba took pity on him." Kaiba offered a small explanation before turning off the cell phone and tossing it somewhere on his desk.

"That would be everyone." Bakura smirked.

"Don't even try Shadi because, Shadi told Isis, and Isis laughed at Malik when he asked her if she knew what it was and said that 'of course she did'." Marik put in.

Yami thought for a moment. "Pegasus." he finally spoke.

Bakura frowned slightly. "Never asked him. Got his phone number?"

"I'll look it up!" Marik started flipping through pages in the phone book.

Yami sweatdropped. He hoped that Ryou wouldn't be mad at him for the huge phone bill that would come because of this.

_Author's Note:_

_**Ryu:** And that is the shorter than usual but none-the-less ending to the first story in the Insanity Arc, "Return to Insanity". The next installment will begin on April 17th, so you can look forward to that. Here is the complete summery of the next installment: "Bring on the Insanity"._

Bakura is slowly adapting to having Marik around and watching out for him and takes on the task of introducing Marik to the rather important inventions which Isis never let Marik see: i.e. The computer and the DVD player. In a moment of untomb-robberness, Bakura decides to introduce Marik to the DVD player by showing Marik the Lord of the Rings, all of it. Seto also notices that Marik has been introduced to the internet through a rather unlucky turn of events, and Yami is still trying to find someone who doesn't know about the Trap-Door-Button-Thingie. Then Bakura makes a startling revelation: Marik's birthday is on April 1st! Bakura now finds himself trying to explain the concept of birthdays and the concept of April Fool's Day to Marik but finds there are a few problems, the first and worst of which is that the only thing Marik wants for his birthday is... a pet Balrog???

_**Rio:** This fic should be a long one, as I am combining two fic plots into one fic, which should be interesting. See you then! (and please review!)_

_signed,_

_Rio the FlowerofBlackFire_


End file.
